Godzilla vs. the Statue of Liberty

I think I'd feel a lot more patriotic if the Statue of Liberty had glowing red eyes and breathed fire. And could fly. And had a sword. I'd feel safer, too.

Dream

I'm standing at a table outside a restaurant, thinking that I'd like to spend spiritual time with Shari focusing on a question. Then I realize I've answered all but one of my life's questions, and nearly all of the mystery in my life is gone. My last question is: what was the movie I saw on TV when I was little that had a woman's bloody hand reaching out from under the lid of a coffin?

Wizard People, Dear Reader

Brendon and Shari and I finished watching Brad Neely's Wizard People, Dear Reader last night. Most of it is available on YouTube, in case you're too lazy to download the MP3s and sync them yourself with the truly awful Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

At times poetic, at other times juvenile, and at other times simply bizarre, Wizard People, Dear Reader is always hilarious. By completely replacing the soundtrack of the movie he mocks, Mr. Neely's creation is equal parts MST3K and What's Up, Tiger Lily?. One gets the impression this was recorded in one take as Mr. Neely became progressively drunker and/or more tired. I'd like to see his treatment of The Lord of the Rings, but I doubt his voice would hold out for 11 hours.

Obama Reads "Where the Wild Things Are"

A great man reading a great book. Enough said.

Darth Wader

I haven't laughed so hard in... days?

Fun with avatars

It's way too easy to waste time making these:







Sophie made that last one, about Pea Brain at the mall going potty.

The Audacity of Ghouls

I don't do this often, but I happen to be reading two books right now: Barack Obama's The Audacity of Hope and Neil Gaiman's The Graveyard Book. Shari and I were sitting and reading together last night when I read the following line from Gaiman's book out loud and out of context:

"Plague-pits is good eatin'"

"What?"

"That's what the ghouls say." I made a gesture with the open book in my hands. "He's been kidnapped by ghouls."

"Barack Obama was kidnapped by ghouls?" Shari asked incredulously.

When I stopped laughing, I closed the book so she could see the cover. I think Obama's got enough to worry about without adding ghouls to the list.

The Large Detroit Car Company

With the U.S. auto industry about to receive a $17.4 billion bailout, it's important to remember why they're failing in the first place: bad gas mileage, faulty engineering, plastic emblems that fall off... lack of care, little or no craftsmanship...

I'm quoting, of course, from a sketch in Michael Nesmith's masterpiece, Elephant Parts. See it here:



Some trivia for all you Monkees fans out there: did you know Michael Nesmith's mom invented Michael Nesmith?

Sarah Palin's schedule

4 - 7 a.m. Bear hunting. Aimed for Mama Bear but hit Baby Bear instead. Better luck next time!

7:30 a.m. Breakfast. Venison omelet, wild boar sausage, and a heaping bowl of lipstick.

8:30 - 11:30 a.m. Pro-life rally. Life begins at conception! Embryos are children!

Noon Lunch. Veal and foie gras. Spilled gravy on my purse made from fetal calfskin. :(

1 - 2 p.m. Gave a speech promoting abstinence-only sex education. Whole family was there, except Gristle, who said she had other plans.

2:30 p.m. Drove the pitbulls to hockey practice.

2:48 p.m. Winked at a lobbyist.

3 p.m. Went for a helicopter ride and shot a wolf from the air. That was fun!

6 p.m. Googled "VP" to see what exactly a VP does. Did you know VP stands for vice president? Golly Gee, I'm gonna shake up Washington! Starting with Seattle!

7 - 9 p.m. Pro-life PAC fundraising dinner.

9:30 p.m. Wrote a nasty letter to the city librarian. They have books that claim the world is more than 4000 years old! And Harry Potter, that Satanist!

10 p.m. Prayed for America, the death of my enemies, expanded oil drilling, and my wonderful family: Trog, Flak, Gristle, Gunner, Bash, and Gimp.

10:05 - 10:08 p.m. Tried for #6!


If you're offended by any of the above, just remember: it's satire. The reality is much more offensive.